ByBrenda K Clevenger
I put myself in dating timeout this summer following two intense back-to-back relationships that together lasted 16 years of my life. For the past two seasons I've only cracked the dating door three inches (three different male suitors for those of you who don't read code), only to shut and dead bolt it again for more introspection.
My three brief dating dances were with handsome, successful, and intelligent men all of whom I could have spent more time with casually, but I only felt chemistry with one. Of course he was the bad boy of the bunch who self confessed up front that he had commitment issues. So that dance card went back to the cashier barely used.
The other two gentlemen remain friends and I wish them love, happiness, and at least one last chance. There's a lid for every pot.
Breaking out my dating dance shoes seemed promising this last round. Conversation flowed easily for hours on end. My confidence was high. I felt good. I felt hopeful. Then...
Dancer three told me he wanted a partner who could contribute equally on dates, vacations, and in expenses in life. He wanted a giver, not a taker.
I've never been a gold digger and have always contributed in my relationships through helping with the business, the household, the children or whatever. Still this giver/taker comment caused me pause.
Though I could pay for my own cover charges, drinks, and pizza, I told him I wasn't in the best financial position because of the slow freelance writing market and economy in general. He said that was OK, I had potential.
Ouch. Isn't that like saying she has good personality but isn't much to look at? To me it was unkind. On another date, as I was explaining how rebuilding my life was so much harder than I ever imagined since the breakup, he interrupted to inject, "Your choices got you here, your choices will get you out." So much for empathy. Was that the sound of bone cracking?
After a few other dating missteps and a question about the complexity of my tax returns, I quietly excused myself from the dance floor to get some band-aids for my toes.
No they aren't broke, thanks for asking. I just have them elevated while I wait for a meeker, more compassionate soul to listen to the music with me, hold me close and sway to the music without bodily harm.
Takeaways & Dating Tips for Those in the Dance:
You're either in or out. Don't re-enter the dating circuit if you're half in, half out.Take full responsibility for your part in the dance.Dating isn't like ordering off a menu. You can't just tick down your list and have a happy meal. If you're that picky of an eater, you'd better enjoy your own company, a lot.The first month of dating is the exploratory phase, not the dissect your subject and place him or her under a microscope. (Note to self.)Try not to talk about your exes for as many dates as possible. This is extremely tough for midlifers with baggage, but make it a game with a buzzer noise if possible. It just doesn't serve getting to know each other by talking about the past.If someone leans in to give you a kiss and you pull away, you're either not ready or they're not it.Dating is supposed to be fun. If you're not looking forward to the date or the dance pick another partner.Dating later in life can be a bit awkward. Be patient, give it time. It will come back to you.
Brenda Clevenger is a writer, publicist, and matchmaker in Kansas City, Mo. She is the author of the e-book, Own Your Midlife Transformation and blogger at Midlife Mona Lisa where she carries the torch for midlife women.
Clevenger is an entrepreneurial trailblazer who has entertained thousands with her freelance writing for the past 18 years. She lives a soulful life writing around the clock and purposely sharing how to rock and roll with the changes of midlife. You can follow her journey at http://midlifemonalisa.com or http://about.me/brendaclevenger.
I put myself in dating timeout this summer following two intense back-to-back relationships that together lasted 16 years of my life. For the past two seasons I've only cracked the dating door three inches (three different male suitors for those of you who don't read code), only to shut and dead bolt it again for more introspection.
My three brief dating dances were with handsome, successful, and intelligent men all of whom I could have spent more time with casually, but I only felt chemistry with one. Of course he was the bad boy of the bunch who self confessed up front that he had commitment issues. So that dance card went back to the cashier barely used.
The other two gentlemen remain friends and I wish them love, happiness, and at least one last chance. There's a lid for every pot.
Breaking out my dating dance shoes seemed promising this last round. Conversation flowed easily for hours on end. My confidence was high. I felt good. I felt hopeful. Then...
Dancer three told me he wanted a partner who could contribute equally on dates, vacations, and in expenses in life. He wanted a giver, not a taker.
I've never been a gold digger and have always contributed in my relationships through helping with the business, the household, the children or whatever. Still this giver/taker comment caused me pause.
Though I could pay for my own cover charges, drinks, and pizza, I told him I wasn't in the best financial position because of the slow freelance writing market and economy in general. He said that was OK, I had potential.
Ouch. Isn't that like saying she has good personality but isn't much to look at? To me it was unkind. On another date, as I was explaining how rebuilding my life was so much harder than I ever imagined since the breakup, he interrupted to inject, "Your choices got you here, your choices will get you out." So much for empathy. Was that the sound of bone cracking?
After a few other dating missteps and a question about the complexity of my tax returns, I quietly excused myself from the dance floor to get some band-aids for my toes.
No they aren't broke, thanks for asking. I just have them elevated while I wait for a meeker, more compassionate soul to listen to the music with me, hold me close and sway to the music without bodily harm.
Takeaways & Dating Tips for Those in the Dance:
You're either in or out. Don't re-enter the dating circuit if you're half in, half out.Take full responsibility for your part in the dance.Dating isn't like ordering off a menu. You can't just tick down your list and have a happy meal. If you're that picky of an eater, you'd better enjoy your own company, a lot.The first month of dating is the exploratory phase, not the dissect your subject and place him or her under a microscope. (Note to self.)Try not to talk about your exes for as many dates as possible. This is extremely tough for midlifers with baggage, but make it a game with a buzzer noise if possible. It just doesn't serve getting to know each other by talking about the past.If someone leans in to give you a kiss and you pull away, you're either not ready or they're not it.Dating is supposed to be fun. If you're not looking forward to the date or the dance pick another partner.Dating later in life can be a bit awkward. Be patient, give it time. It will come back to you.
Brenda Clevenger is a writer, publicist, and matchmaker in Kansas City, Mo. She is the author of the e-book, Own Your Midlife Transformation and blogger at Midlife Mona Lisa where she carries the torch for midlife women.
Clevenger is an entrepreneurial trailblazer who has entertained thousands with her freelance writing for the past 18 years. She lives a soulful life writing around the clock and purposely sharing how to rock and roll with the changes of midlife. You can follow her journey at http://midlifemonalisa.com or http://about.me/brendaclevenger.
