The chase - how do you define it? A challenge? Mind games? Playing hard to get, or witty retorts? I guess it's all down to perception. But one thing's for sure, love it or loath it, it's the spark that ignites and fuels the dating ritual.
Casting your mind back, the first 'chase' you probably experienced or witnessed was kiss chase in the school playground. The girls who stood still and did not present much of a challenge were simply overlooked. It was the girls that were running around and screaming that the boys pursed. Perhaps this reinforces the notion that men like a challenge and the women who give them the chase are the ones that will get their attention?
What's your opinion? I guess it's going to be influenced by the experiences that you have had. Based on a number of single men and women that I spoke to, it appears that men want to date women that at some level they feel lucky and have earned a place to be with. Therefore the onus to chase certainly would be on the man. I can't help but think that theorists are right when they say at their very core men will always be hunters & gathers. Running with this theory, when a man goes out hunting he is competing with his fellow huntsmen to return back to the camp with the biggest kill so he can show off. If he finds his prey quickly, momentarily he is likely to be pleased with himself but his satisfaction levels will decline rapidly. He's now left wondering that if with hardly any effort I have caught a prey, what could I be capable of catching if I continue hunting by putting in more effort and going further into the forest to explore? Could I do better than my fellow huntsmen? Whilst the reality is that there's no guarantee that he would find a better, or bigger prey it's unlikely to stop him trying and devaluing a perfectly good prey that he has already caught...
Based on my research, it appears that for once both men & women are on the same page - women believe men need a chase to sustain their interest and men are attracted to the challenge! But despite their beliefs, there is a split camp in both genders. Starting with the women - there are those who like to be chased and those who think it is a total waste of time. For those who like to be chased, primarily it validates that a man is genuinely interested in her and not just after a quick bunk up. It also feeds into her ego that she is 'worth the effort' and special to him in a way that is different from other people in his life.
Then there are women who believe that the chase is a complete waste of time. They lead busy lives and if they're dating someone that they like, they just want them to get on with it. However, busy lifestyles also equate to limited personal time for all. If a man is then presented with an option to choose a date with a woman he likes but what he sees is what he gets. Or a date with a woman that he equally likes but she is mysterious, he doesn't know how she feels, she intrigues him by keeping him on his toes with her words & actions, which one is he likely to pick, given his busy schedule?
For men that enjoy the chase, it feeds into their egos. It makes them feel powerful and reinforces their masculinity. When they look at the women that they have won over, they feel pleased, appreciative and proud of their achievement. Just to exemplify this, the chase is a lot like a negotiation. If the seller accepts the first price offered, a man will feel dissatisfied and wished he had gone in at a lower price. Despite attaining the goods he may feel they were not worth their value. However, if the man's price had led to a haggling opportunity with the seller, he would have his work cut out to get his desired price. But he would then walk away with a greater level of satisfaction and the same goods would now be perceived to be of a higher value.
As for the men who claim that the chase is a waste of time and a sign of immaturity, I wonder how they interpret 'the chase'. Because arguably whether they realise it or not, they are still 'chasing' for the woman's interest & approval in the form of organising thoughtful dates, initiating witty banter and basically bringing out their 'A-game' on a date to ensure that there is a next one...
Just to be clear, the chase should not be confused with playing malicious mind games, or a way to build up a list of conquests. It's the process of wooing the object of one's affection. Whilst it appears that the preference is that it is instigated by the man, at some point there has to be a healthy level of 'push & pull' between both people. If it's one-sided, with no response or interest (this should not be perceived as a bigger challenge), there has to be a cut off point otherwise it starts bordering on the side of stalking. Ultimately, when you're in the early stages of dating, it's the chase that fuels the excitement and build up of not knowing what the other person is planning, thinking, or feeling. It keeps you interested and on your toes. And when you finally experience the gratification of becoming an exclusive couple, you can breathe a sigh of relief as the chase has finally paid off!
By Alpa Saujani, Managing Director of Tantric Club - a members club for single Asian professionals seeking dating, relationships & marriage. We host social events, dinner parties & provide a personal matchmaking service. Visit us today at: http://www.tantriclub.co.uk or call on 020 8352 0664. We look forward to helping you in your search.
Casting your mind back, the first 'chase' you probably experienced or witnessed was kiss chase in the school playground. The girls who stood still and did not present much of a challenge were simply overlooked. It was the girls that were running around and screaming that the boys pursed. Perhaps this reinforces the notion that men like a challenge and the women who give them the chase are the ones that will get their attention?
What's your opinion? I guess it's going to be influenced by the experiences that you have had. Based on a number of single men and women that I spoke to, it appears that men want to date women that at some level they feel lucky and have earned a place to be with. Therefore the onus to chase certainly would be on the man. I can't help but think that theorists are right when they say at their very core men will always be hunters & gathers. Running with this theory, when a man goes out hunting he is competing with his fellow huntsmen to return back to the camp with the biggest kill so he can show off. If he finds his prey quickly, momentarily he is likely to be pleased with himself but his satisfaction levels will decline rapidly. He's now left wondering that if with hardly any effort I have caught a prey, what could I be capable of catching if I continue hunting by putting in more effort and going further into the forest to explore? Could I do better than my fellow huntsmen? Whilst the reality is that there's no guarantee that he would find a better, or bigger prey it's unlikely to stop him trying and devaluing a perfectly good prey that he has already caught...
Based on my research, it appears that for once both men & women are on the same page - women believe men need a chase to sustain their interest and men are attracted to the challenge! But despite their beliefs, there is a split camp in both genders. Starting with the women - there are those who like to be chased and those who think it is a total waste of time. For those who like to be chased, primarily it validates that a man is genuinely interested in her and not just after a quick bunk up. It also feeds into her ego that she is 'worth the effort' and special to him in a way that is different from other people in his life.
Then there are women who believe that the chase is a complete waste of time. They lead busy lives and if they're dating someone that they like, they just want them to get on with it. However, busy lifestyles also equate to limited personal time for all. If a man is then presented with an option to choose a date with a woman he likes but what he sees is what he gets. Or a date with a woman that he equally likes but she is mysterious, he doesn't know how she feels, she intrigues him by keeping him on his toes with her words & actions, which one is he likely to pick, given his busy schedule?
For men that enjoy the chase, it feeds into their egos. It makes them feel powerful and reinforces their masculinity. When they look at the women that they have won over, they feel pleased, appreciative and proud of their achievement. Just to exemplify this, the chase is a lot like a negotiation. If the seller accepts the first price offered, a man will feel dissatisfied and wished he had gone in at a lower price. Despite attaining the goods he may feel they were not worth their value. However, if the man's price had led to a haggling opportunity with the seller, he would have his work cut out to get his desired price. But he would then walk away with a greater level of satisfaction and the same goods would now be perceived to be of a higher value.
As for the men who claim that the chase is a waste of time and a sign of immaturity, I wonder how they interpret 'the chase'. Because arguably whether they realise it or not, they are still 'chasing' for the woman's interest & approval in the form of organising thoughtful dates, initiating witty banter and basically bringing out their 'A-game' on a date to ensure that there is a next one...
Just to be clear, the chase should not be confused with playing malicious mind games, or a way to build up a list of conquests. It's the process of wooing the object of one's affection. Whilst it appears that the preference is that it is instigated by the man, at some point there has to be a healthy level of 'push & pull' between both people. If it's one-sided, with no response or interest (this should not be perceived as a bigger challenge), there has to be a cut off point otherwise it starts bordering on the side of stalking. Ultimately, when you're in the early stages of dating, it's the chase that fuels the excitement and build up of not knowing what the other person is planning, thinking, or feeling. It keeps you interested and on your toes. And when you finally experience the gratification of becoming an exclusive couple, you can breathe a sigh of relief as the chase has finally paid off!
By Alpa Saujani, Managing Director of Tantric Club - a members club for single Asian professionals seeking dating, relationships & marriage. We host social events, dinner parties & provide a personal matchmaking service. Visit us today at: http://www.tantriclub.co.uk or call on 020 8352 0664. We look forward to helping you in your search.
